What cleaning a home office taught me about identity

Happy Sacred Sunday!

Yesterday was my mom’s 77th birthday. My brother asked us all to gather at her house and help her clean out her office, which had become unmanageable.

All she wanted for her birthday was to be with her kids and grandkids, and he thought if we were all together tackling that task, it would be a win-win. If I’m being honest, I’m not quite sure she enjoyed the day. She seemed very overwhelmed by us rummaging through her things and getting rid of everything. I could see her feeling as if she had lost control and was scared of us tossing things that were important to her, no matter how much we assured her that we would be mindful and careful. But we also showered her with love, flowers, and a cake, and she had her whole family to herself the entire day. 

At the end, I think she was happy to have us all together and hopefully she’ll feel the difference now that the office is much less cluttered.

As I sat in her office, sorting through all the things she had accumulated, I couldn’t help but think about our identities. So much of our identity is revealed by our habits.

My mom has dedicated her life to gifting as a sign of her love. Her office had an accumulation of gift bags, cards bought in advance, wrapping supplies, and gifts she’d forgotten to give. All I could see was a woman who is always thinking about making others feel special.

On the other hand, there was also an accumulation of supplies for projects never started. My mother is so creative and artistic. She loves arts and crafts. She loves to color. She loves scrapbooking.

But her lifestyle and habits have not helped her nurture these hobbies.

She worked so much during her life that she felt too tired to work on these projects on her downtime. By the time she retired, she had the time, but still never found a way to prioritize what she wanted. She became so accustomed to allowing everyone else’s priorities to decide her time that she hasn’t learned to intentionally decide what to do for herself. And as she has gotten older, her ailments have started to consume a lot of her time too. You don’t want to sit in an office scrapbooking for hours if your back hurts or you don’t feel well.

My mother’s identity has revolved around being a caregiver, gift giver, and hard worker. That identity, which makes her the most special person on earth, worked against her self-care. It’s not that she couldn’t do both, she just didn’t know how.

Likewise, I have worked hard at creating a different identity for myself … focusing more on being minimalistic and essentialist and making sure to prioritize my habits. 

But I will admit that as I looked through my mom’s things, I realized I could do better at being more thoughtful and intentional about making others feel special and loved. I could certainly be a better gift giver! And I do want my home to feel warm and welcoming for my kids and grandkids when I get older, so I don’t want to be so minimalist that they don’t get a homey vibe.

The point is, it’s not all or nothing.

It’s never too late to step into a new identity and nurture your intentions. But it’ll never happen by accident, because human nature will make you more of what is familiar to you no matter how much you desire something different.

So my question for you today is this: if you look around your home, notice your habits, and pay attention to your lifestyle … what does it say about your identity? And do you want to nurture more of that, or is it time to nurture more of something else?

This week on the podcast I’m going deeper into how identity can be your greatest tool or your quietest trap, and what to do when it starts becoming the latter. If this email stirred something in you, I think you’ll love the episode.

And as always, I’d love to hear from you. Hit reply and let me know: what are your habits revealing about you today?

Sending you so much love today and always,

P.S. Want even more support? The Well is my intimate coaching community where your vision becomes your lifestyle and we are now enrolling new members.