Delayed Gratification · Inspiration · Wellness

The Toilet Dilemma

Happy Sacred Sunday!

Did you know toilets come in different heights?

Pretty random conversation to be having on this beautiful Sunday, but stick with me — I promise there’s a point to be made.

When we began our home remodel, a family member offered me a piece of advice:

“Make sure you get yourself a taller toilet.”

I paid little attention to this suggestion until multiple, unrelated people told me the same thing. “It may not seem like an issue now, but once you’re in your 60s, it gets harder to get up from your toilet seat! Do yourself a favor and get yourself a “comfort height” toilet now.”

Curious, I called a former colleague of mine who is in her late 70s already.

“Maria, this may be a strange question, but do you have a standard toilet or a taller, comfort one?”

She did not know what I was talking about.

“I was told when I get older I’m going to need a taller one and I want to know if that happened to you.”

“I’ve never even thought about it,” Maria said, confused. “But I can tell you I have no trouble getting up from the toilet, even at my age.”

Maria has always maintained a clean diet and a physical lifestyle. To this day, she is extremely active. She walks a lot, cooks a lot, cleans a lot, and even gardens.

I realized maybe Maria doesn’t need a taller toilet because her legs are still strong enough to squat and stand.

WHAT ARE WE PREPARING FOR?

This got me asking this question:

Why do we prepare in advance to support our limitations rather than try to prevent them?

Why was the advice “Make sure you get a taller toilet,” rather than “Make sure you squat and keep your legs strong or it may get harder to get up from the toilet when you get older!”

There is nothing wrong with having a taller toilet. It’s better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.

But it’s not about the toilet.

It’s about the future we’re preparing for.

They say how you do one thing is how you do everything.

Our society profits by creating problems and then offering solutions that could have been unnecessary.

We eat sugary, processed foods and then we need medications to treat weight loss, type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and more.

We over-consume material things and then we need storage solutions to hold all these things we didn’t need.

We spend all day sitting in front of screens and then we need products to help us with our lack of mobility.

With aging, we chalk up most of our ailments to natural progression. We assume that it’s part of the process of getting older. So, of course, it seems wise to think ahead and plan accordingly by making our inevitable discomfort more comfortable.

But I don’t buy it! I’ve seen how age hits differently to people who don’t assume they will break down. Watch the interview I had with Chris Crowley, author of Younger Next Year, where we talk about creating a life that postpones or eliminates 50-70% of our diseases and problems of aging!

PLANNING DIFFERENTLY

I propose we change the script.

Let’s avoid the things now that create problems later rather than trying to make our future discomforts more comfortable!

That’s why I believe so adamantly in things like fasting once a quarter, staying active, and surrounding myself with a positive environment.

I can’t guarantee that I won’t have problems as I age, but I choose to live a life now that supports the healthiest version of myself tomorrow.

On this Sacred Sunday, I invite you to reflect on what kind of future you’re preparing for.

September 17, 2023

The value of a team

Happy Sacred Sunday,

I’m sitting on my couch, enjoying my lake view, sipping on my cafe con leche, and planning my upcoming week.

On my agenda, it reads in big bold letters: MOVING WEEK

In case you didn’t know, on June 1st, 2023, our Five Fingers moved out of our house to begin a remodel project. We rented a nearby lakehouse where we would spend the summer. Our project manager told us the project would take about 3 months.

You’re probably laughing now if you’ve ever had a home remodel or construction project or know someone who has..

“3 months! In your dreams, sister!” you might be thinking.

At least that’s what everyone, and I mean every single person I spoke to about this project, said to us.

We got laughs, cross-eyed looks, shaking heads, and lots of warnings.

“There is no way on God’s green Earth they will finish your house in 3 months. Just. Get. Ready. You’ll be lucky if you’re back home in a year.”

You may have been one of those people!

We were also quite doubtful, but hoped for the best.

Here we are, 4 days from our lakehouse lease expiring, and barring a few last-minute things, our house is ready.

What was once open-mouthed laughs have turned to big-eyes and dropped jaws.

There were a lot of factors that had to fall into place for this kind of outcome. But on this Sacred Sunday, I want to share with you the one that has impacted me the most:

The importance of having the right team to help you execute your visions and goals.

A team refers to a group of individuals with different skills and roles who collaborate and work together to achieve a common goal or objective. I’ve noticed that other than sports or corporations, people tend to gather individuals to accomplish goals, but they fail to build teams.

This happens often within the medical field. When an individual is unwell, they might require the expertise of multiple doctors to address various medical concerns. Doctors specialize in specific areas and give instructions and prescriptions based on their expertise.

Yet, the different doctors may suggest conflicting treatments, which could lead to more pain and complications for the patient..

That person is working with individuals — not a team working to form a comprehensive treatment strategy for them.

WHAT DO YOU VALUE?

Months before our remodel began, Orlando and I reached out to our friend, Elika, who was a project manager and interior designer.

Elika has a full team of subcontractors who work with her on her projects.

She warned we’d have to wait for two months before she could estimate the work, and it would take two more months for her team to start the project.

Luckily for us, Elika’s timeframe aligned perfectly with our goal of remodeling during the summer.

But when the time came for her to give us an estimate, we suffered from massive sticker shock.

The budget was way higher than we’d anticipated. We consulted with various friends and family who claimed it was too expensive. We got tons of suggestions of a great cabinet guy, or a great floor installer, or a great general contractor who was way cheaper.

I shared my concerns with Elika.

“I’m not the cheapest, nor the most expensive,” she replied. “But I know the value of my work and I know the results I produce. That’s why I charge what I charge.”

As a friend, she told me I’d save money if I managed the project on my own, but also told me the risks.

Then she explained her process.

Orlando and I had to decide what we valued more:

The price of the project, or
The timeframe of the project, the quality of the work, and the stress level during the project.

We had witnessed multiple people manage their own remodels, and we had heard their horror stories. We’d seen budgets blown, people fired, and projects paralyzed because people failed to do what they said they were going to do.

Neither Orlando and I had the skills, experience, or knowledge to manage a project like this.

Ultimately, we valued time, quality, and management more than price. We also believed that if Elika did what she promised she was going to do — in the long run we’d save money.

Elika became the visionary leader who would build a team to make our home more beautiful, comfortable, and practical.

She nailed it.

STARTING WITH CORE

Looking back at this experience, I’ve once again seen the power of using CORE to produce successful results.

CLARITY – As I just explained, the first critical step in this process was to get clear on what our priorities were.

ORGANIZATION – In this case, we delegated most of the organization of this project to Elika. She designed the structure and flow of all the moving parts to ensure they did the project during the summer months. But we also worked in tandem with her schedule. I used the two months waiting time for the project to begin as the time for my decluttering marathon.

It’s not that I had time to declutter — I made the time to declutter. I also made the time to make decisions that Elika needed me to make and follow her lead. The priority from April through September 2023 was our remodel, and we organized our entire life around that priority.

RESILIENCE – A home remodel is notoriously stressful. It can be borderline painful. But I am a firm believer that the quality of your experiences is determined by the perspective you approach it with. There were elements of this experience that were draining and stressful; things I didn’t want to do or enjoy doing; moments when the tension was high. But amidst those moments, we focused on staying grounded in the bigger picture and not losing perspective.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE – Of the 4 CORE skills, I honestly think that having high emotional intelligence is your super power. I believe that success begins with your attitude. When you behave as if life is rigged in your favor; when you trust in your team and show them gratitude; when you express yourself with the underlying belief that everyone has your best interest at heart — people show up in that energy. Energy is contagious and you have such power to set the tone for the people around you. High emotional intelligence allows you to do that effectively.

Do the work, surrender the outcome

The day we signed the contract with our team, we knew we were taking a risk.

That’s why we signed a 6-month lease agreement in our lakehouse and negotiated a “no early termination fee” after 3 months. This would give us the opportunity to stay longer if necessary.

We also signed a contract with Elika with very clear provisions. There is a Spanish saying that goes, Cuentas claras conservan amistades. (Clear accounts maintain friendships).

We did our part and hoped that things would work out in our favor.

In this case, we had an ideal outcome. But that is not always the case. Things beyond our control could have delayed the project. The outcome could have been different than what it was — but outcomes are never within our control. That’s why I don’t define success by the result. I define success by the process.

In the last few months, I have seen the power in this process:

Building the team.

Doing the work.

Focusing on CORE.

Surrendering the outcome.

Finding sparks of BLISS along the way.

Today, I want you to think about the goals you’re trying to achieve and the process you are using to accomplish them.

Are you trying to do it all alone, or have you built a team to help your visions become a reality? Having the right team will make all the difference.

August 27, 2023

Delayed Gratification · Inspiration · Mindset · On Decluttering · Success Skills

Changing your baseline

Last week, I was already in bed dozing off when I received a text from my old friend Lucy that read:

“I honestly feel so overwhelmed with so much crap in this house.”

With each buzz, my phone revealed yet another snippet from her current situation.

“My entire house is upside down. There’s stuff everywhere.”

“Tonight I just started screaming at my family because I feel they don’t help me at all!”

“I’m always throwing stuff away, but it’s never enough. It comes in at a much faster pace than I can get rid of.”

The struggle

Text after text, I knew exactly how Lucy felt. Until a few weeks ago, I had felt that way often. Clutter would accumulate in my house for weeks or months and I’d let it go until one day I’d snap. Then I’d call in my best friend, who is a professional organizer, for what she referred to as one of my “fire drills.”

Nicole would help me organize the area that was bothering me (the kids’ playroom, bedroom, my office, etc) which would put me at ease for a few months until the cycle repeated itself.

It’s not that I wouldn’t try to keep it up. Nic would teach me things like how to categorize my kids’ toys and how to create a “home” for each category.

“All you have to do is put things back in their place, Caro. And teach the boys to do the same!”

It seemed so simple.

But somewhere along the way, the system would break down.

Like in Lucy’s house, items would creep into our home that I had no category or home for and make themselves comfortable on my kitchen counter for weeks at a time; My kids’ friends would leave their stuff in my house; The nanny would put things where they didn’t belong, confusing all of us; Or there were things that required action (to return, or mail, or give to someone) and I wouldn’t find the time to take the action I needed to take.

These life interruptions, exceptions, or excuses (however you want to refer to it) would give us permission to revert to our old habits and ways. I’d be able to keep up with some of Nicole’s systems, but not enough of them to keep the house in order.

Is this just the way we are?

This cycle went on for years. Nic would come to my house to help me organize, knowing this was only a temporary solution. Not because her system was flawed — but because we were.

“The system can’t maintain itself,” she’d roll her eyes.

I had believed clutter was unavoidable because of my family size and lifestyle.

In the book series, The life-changing magic of tidying up and Spark Joy, Marie Kondo claims that if you follow her system, you’ll tidy up “once and for all.”

I didn’t believe her.

Just like Lucy, I had attempted to declutter a gazillion times! I’d thrown away bags of things, I’d hired the professional organizer, I’d yelled at the kids and pleaded with the nanny. I felt like I had tried “everything.”

I couldn’t understand how Marie Kondo’s system could change all the “external” factors that contributed to my clutter.

When desire trumps limiting beliefs.

Even though I didn’t believe or understand Marie Kondo, I desired the vision she created in her book.

I desired to be more minimalist.

I desired to be more organized.

I desired to live in a neat, clean, and clutter-free space.

Because those desires were stronger than my limiting beliefs, I decided to follow the Konmari Method to a T.

Do long enough to become.

At first I just obeyed Kondo’s instructions:

Follow this specific order.

Identify the things that spark joy.

Tidy up by category, not by room.

Do it all once. Don’t stop until you’ve gone through every item in the house!

That last instruction changed everything.

It’s not that I hadn’t tried these things before — Nicole had already taught me a lot about what I was learning in this book. It’s that I hadn’t followed through long enough to BECOME the kind of person who IS TIDY.

It’s no different from changing your eating habits. Most diets teach the same tricks with different variations. Most people will follow a diet for a little while, maybe lose a little weight, and then external factors will give them permission to revert to old habits. They view eating healthy as a short-term sacrifice.

But those that can push through the short-term sacrifice to create a lifestyle — those are the ones that BECOME healthy eaters. Their taste buds change, their cravings change, and their default thinking changes. Those are the ones who break the never-ending cycles of weight loss and weight gain.

The more items we held in our hands, decisions we made to toss or keep, and categories we conquered, the more we changed.

What made all the difference.

As I read Lucy’s texts and relived her reality, it finally dawned on me why this stopped happening to me.

Lucy couldn’t keep up with the incoming “stuff” because her baseline was already “too much stuff.”

Even if she got rid of a few bags of clothes, shoes, or toys, she has too much stuff. She often gets rid of the overflow, which makes her feel better, but because her cup is still full, anything new that comes in quickly becomes overflow again. Hence, the vicious cycle.

By tackling our entire house in one swoop, we emptied the container so much that we are no longer at risk of overflowing.

Now that doesn’t mean that we couldn’t start filling the container and get to the point of overflow again — of course we could. But when we created so much space in the container, something magical happened:

We experienced peace.

The peace I envisioned when I read Marie Kondo’s books and studied Joshua Becker’s Becoming Minimalist philosophy; The peace I longed for each time I tried to declutter.

Suddenly, that peace was real, and it felt amazing. I was no longer worried about the “stuff” I had to get rid of. Instead, I focused on enjoying the space we had created and the things we had kept.

Preserving that peaceful feeling has inspired me to take action on things quicker than I used to; To put things in its place immediately, and to discard anything in our home that no longer sparks joy.

Changing the baseline changes the effort level

I’ve noticed it no longer requires so much thought, effort, or energy to be organized, just like it no longer requires thought, effort, or energy to eat healthy.

A client of mine told me once that the thing that discourages her from being consistent in losing weight is that she feels she’s going to have to work at it forever.

What she doesn’t yet understand, like Lucy and I didn’t understand, and you may not yet understand … is that you do have to work at it forever, but not in the way you’re working at it now.

Because right now, every action and decision requires an enormous amount of thought, effort and energy. Right now, it’s hard because you’re still married to underlying beliefs, stories, and habits that have defined you for far too long. Right now, you’ve only just begun doing, and you haven’t yet mastered the becoming.

You’re still trying to eliminate or stop the overflow, rather than enjoying and protecting your new reality.

But if you stick it out. If you don’t quit too soon. If you focus on changing the baseline, I promise you; it gets so much easier. You will enjoy the reality you’ve longed for and dreamt about for so long. The reality you think only others get to have, because they’re different from you.

You will become different, too.

If you want to change the baselines in your life that are keeping you stuck, I can help.

For a limited time, you can work with me 1:1 for a one time session. Although one session will not change your baseline, it will give you the clarity you need to get started. And the only way to mastering change, is to start.

June 25, 2023

Delayed Gratification · Inspiration · Mindset · Productivity · Relationships · Success Skills

Lessons for your 18-year-old-self

Some time ago, my husband was browsing Twitter when he came across a post he loved. He asked my three boys and I to listen as he read us 38 lessons this young man wrote for his 18-year-old self.

Of course, there were many nuggets of wisdom in there that corroborated what we’d been teaching our kids — but you know kids tend to receive wisdom better when someone else agrees with you!

We read the whole thread and I mentioned how fun it would be to interview that writer. Well, Orlando did something awesome. He got in contact with Tom and asked him if he’d be willing to be a guest on my Connect with Caro.

Tom said yes.

Tomorrow, May 16th, 2023 at 12 noon Tom Harari and I will be talking about Defining Your Own Path and Staying Healthy, Wealthy and Wise. Click here to save your seat.

Tom has also graciously allowed me to share his content with you. I hope you enjoy this article as much as my Five Fingers did. Maybe you have some 18-year-olds that could benefit from this content as well. Be sure to invite them to tomorrow’s interview!

38 Lessons for My 18 Year Old Self by Tom Harari

Today, I turn 38.

I’ve raised millions of dollars, married twice, had a kid, and recovered from devastating injury and depression.

Here’s 38 lessons I’d tell my 18 year old self:
First—I don’t know everything but I’ve learned a few things. This is my list to myself. Your mileage may vary.

Here we go…

1. Believe in yourself 100% of the time

You’re a dreamer and a creative mind—that’s a gift. Trust your instincts and believe in yourself even when no one else will. How can you expect anyone to believe in you, if you won’t believe in yourself first?

2. Take much more risk than you think is sane

As you get older your and eventually get married, your risk profile changes. It’ll never be more prudent than now to take massive risks.

3. You won’t truly grow up until your heart gets broken

Losing people is part of life. You’ll fall madly in love, think someone is your soul mate, and then see it all crumble. Own it. Don’t avoid the pain but know it’s temporary and pick yourself up. You’ve just grown as a man.

4. You’ll also break other people’s hearts

Someone will feel the same about you and this time you won’t be into it. This will be devastating to them. Remember they are a human just like you. Don’t ghost, ever. Have the balls to end things in person with grace and empathy.

5. Drop loser friends without remorse

They won’t get you to where you want to go. I’m not talking about childhood friends who may not be as ambitious as you. I’m talking about the ones who only want to party. They will drag you down. Ditch them.

6. Start a habit of investing.

Compounding is the 8th wonder of the world, but that’s not why you should invest early. It’s to develop the muscle of delayed gratification. Money is a tool, learn to use it (not just give it away to buy crap).

7. Lift 4-5x per week with progressive overload

If you start young you’ll have an easier time packing on lean muscle. It will hurt at first. You’ll get callous fingers. Toughen up. Lift heavy and it will transform your whole life.

8. Eat more protein than you did in HS. Like over 150g per day.

You need much more protein than mom (or the lunch lady) was serving you. Greek yogurt, eggs, and whey protein need to be part of your daily routine.

9. You can have anything you want, but you can’t have everything you want

You’ll meet a mentor in @justinkan who will teach you this but I’m teaching it to you now. You can literally bend the universe to your will, but you need to pick one thing. Your ego won’t like that.

10. Whatever you decide to do, don’t half-ass it.

Shiny object syndrome is real. You’re especially susceptible to it. Recognize that and commit to fully immersing yourself in whatever you decide to do. That’s the only way to achieve mastery.

11. Learn how to do financial modeling and start accruing equity

To build generational wealth you must own equity. Learn how equity works. Learn how to build financial models. Then aggressively pursue equity positions while you’re young.

12. Travel more, even if it stretches your budget

Traveling the world will open your eyes and broaden your mind. You’ll learn empathy for other human beings and experience the richness of the world. Don’t let money be the reason you avoid this. It only gets harder as you age.

13. Don’t date for a long time

Shit or get off the pot. If you’re dating for more than two years and still haven’t proposed, just end things. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no.

14. It’s OK to have people leave your life

Friends come and go. Relationships end. That’s OK. Avoid Facebook and other social networks that try to manipulate this basic fact of human life.

15. Always bet on yourself

Never think twice about investing in yourself or betting on yourself. When in doubt, go back to lesson one.

16. Don’t ignore red flags

In business partners, friends, and lovers. If someone shows you who they are, believe them. Your gut instinct developed over millenia. Listen to it.

17. Learn to master your mind

So much of how you ‘feel’ is your mind playing tricks on you. Start meditating. Learn breath work. Become OK sitting still with just your thoughts until you develop the muscle to control your mind. Or your mind will control you.

18. Steak is eaten medium rare

Salt, pepper, reverse sear and char for 2 min. each side to get a nice crust.

19. Start publishing your writing

The best time to start writing was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. Share your gift with the world. Even if it impacts one person on the other side of the planet, that makes it worth it.

20. Getting drunk is stupid

Seriously, what’s the point? You’re killing your body. Learn to have a single quality drink and enjoy a light buzz or don’t drink at all. You’ll learn this anyway as you get older but take it from me—it’s pointless.

21. If any substance has control over your, you’ve lost

You’re smart enough to avoid drugs, but even things like alcohol and caffeine are substances which you can become dependent on. Fuck that. Nobody and No substance should have control over you. Only you control you.

22. Hold yourself to a ridiculously high standard

In health, nutrition, fitness, education, business—no one will tell you what to do. You’re on your own. Be your own leader and hold yourself to a high standard. Lead yourself.

23. You’ll regret the things you didn’t do, not the things you did

You’re going to make a lot of mistakes. 99.9% of them you’ll recover from. And you’ll have a lesson to learn from. But the true, deep regrets, come from actions you didn’t take.

24. Call your grandparents more

They won’t be around forever. You know this. Even if they are in seemingly good health, one day you’ll get the call from someone in your family that grandma and grandpa passed. Call them and visit them as much as you can.

25. Your parents did the best they could

It’s easy when you’re young to blame your parents. Drop that immediately and give your parents some slack. They did the best they could and they’re not perfect—nobody is.

26. Nothing feels better than helping others for nothing in return

Most people are selfish and do nothing for others. Break that chain and be the one who gives, not the one who takes. And expect nothing in return—the highest form of help.

27. Get aligned on the big things

Square away the big things with partners (both business and love). You’ll always have small disagreements but if you’re locked in on the big questions, everything else is easy.

28. Don’t try to beat the market

Learn how stocks work, how options are traded, and how companies are valued, but when it comes to your personal portfolio choose 3-5 ETFs and dollar cost average. Set it and forget. You’re not Warren Buffett.

29. Showing off your money is a fool’s game

Wealth is what you don’t see. Focus on building wealth, not trying to look cool in front of people you don’t care about.
30. Barbell strategy for everything

When you get a little older you’ll read several books by @nntaleb. You’ll learn the barbell strategy. Safe investments on one side, speculative moonshots on the other. No mediocre in-between stuff. That’s for suckers.

31. Take things lightly

As a young man you’re full of energy and adrenaline. You’ll want to fight and battle every perceived slight. Calm down. Learn to take things easy and be chill. Focus on your long-term mission and let nothing knock you off.

32. Never tolerate disrespect

You can still take things easy while setting boundaries. If someone disrespects you, end that relationship. Be ruthless in pruning the energy that’s around you. Nobody is entitled to be in your circle. It’s a privilege.

33. Remember people’s names

Someone’s name is the most important word to them. Don’t be rude and repeatedly start every sentence with the other person’s name, but pull it out when you see someone and watch them light up.

34. Be a connector

Always think about who in your circle you can connect with others and make introductions. Over time you will develop so much goodwill it’s ridiculous. You want your bank of reciprocity to be overflowing. Plus it feels good—see Lesson 26.

35. Avoid bad-mouthing about other people

If you want to vent get a therapist. Talking negatively about someone when they’re not in the room just signals you would do the same about others. Not a good look.
36. Be long-term patient and short-term impatient

You need both a sense of urgency to go after your dreams with the willingness to wait a long time for them to come to fruition.

37. Watch sports moderately or not at all

Spending all your free time watching other grown men play a sport means you’re not developing yourself. Enjoy entertainment but don’t let it consume you.

38. Nobody cares

The Spotlight Effect is real. You think you’re the center of a reality TV show and everyone is watching your every move. They aren’t. Try things out. Be willing to look stupid. Everyone is in their heads worrying about themselves. Have fun and live your life.

The number one rule is don’t disappoint your 18 year old self (credit: Taleb). I’ve done a good job of that.

If any of this hit a nerve feel free to retweet it to share with others.

May 19, 2023

Delayed Gratification · Mindset

Are you comfortable being uncomfortable?

In a world where we are accustomed to constant instant gratification, it can be really tough being uncomfortable. We’d think that with all the comforts we currently enjoy: hot water, food, air conditioning, microwaves, technology, amazon prime, transportation, all at our immediate disposal — we’d be happier. And yet, that’s not the case for most of us.

As Michael Easter wrote in The Comfort Crisis, “When a new comfort is introduced, we adapt to it and our old comforts become unacceptable. Today’s comfort is tomorrow’s discomfort. This leads to a new level of what’s considered comfortable.”

Having fewer problems doesn’t guarantee we’ll feel better, it just lowers our tolerance for what we consider is a problem.

That’s why, more than ever, it is critical that we intentionally make ourselves uncomfortable. That’s how we tap into the resilience we are born with (the R in CORE).

This past week I’ve been very uncomfortable. On Sunday, we started our 5-day RejuvaFAST challenge. We’ve been hosting these for over a year and each time, I push myself a little further. This week I had minimal calories – not quite a water fast, but massively reduced. In fact, for the last 48 hours of the 5 days, I didn’t eat at all.

I was hungry. Really hungry. I could even hear my stomach growling.

But you know what? I wasn’t going to die from hunger; I had the support of our RejuvaFAST community, and I embraced my intentional discomfort.

Each time I have fasted, I have learned a little more about myself, how I think, and what I can handle. Before I couldn’t handle any signs of being hungry, but I am no longer afraid of it. Besides all the health benefits of this fasting program, what I was most grateful for is that it continues to teach me how to tolerate discomfort. By the end of the 5 days, I feel more energized, mentally sharp, inspired, and happier.

Are you too comfortable?

What about you? Do you ever do anything to make yourself intentionally uncomfortable?

There are so many things you can do: take a cold shower, reduce your calories, remove sugar from your diet, stop drinking for 30 days, do intense exercise, try something that scares you, confront that issue you’ve been procrastinating, spend a day without getting on social media.

The list is endless, and so are the benefits. We are so used to experiencing long-term, low-grade chronic stress that we make ourselves sick. Instead, opt for short-term, high-level intentional stress to eliminate the chronic stress, release endorphins, and live a healthier and happier life.

Moment of Clarity

Embrace being uncomfortable.

It may be the best thing you can do to enjoy the comforts you currently take for granted.

October 29, 2021

Delayed Gratification · Inspiration · Mindset

Are You Prepared to Die?

I know this may sound like a morbid post — but stay with me here — it’s important. I told you in my last post that as I was preparing to leave for South Korea, I contemplated some serious questions. Maybe it was because I was getting on a plane for fifteen hours. Maybe it was because we’re amid a pandemic. Maybe it’s because we were going to the other side of the globe. Maybe it was just because we were leaving for two months, which seems like such a long time. Or maybe it was a combination of all these factors, but regardless, I was adamant about leaving all my affairs in order.

I updated my will, which is always a little unpleasant, but necessary to do. I organized my finances, updated a master password list, and jotted down the phone number of my life insurance agent. All this to arm my husband with anything he might need if something happened to me. (Clearly, I’m the one who handles our affairs at home!)

I even spent weeks waking up early to write letters for Justin and Ryan. I wrote letters for specific dates like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and my son’s 10th birthday. Others were love letters; And some were reminder notes like don’t forget to brush your teeth, remember to say what you’re thankful for every day, and tell dad to play the Daily Stoic for you on your way to school. (I didn’t write these in case something bad happened to me, I wrote them to be there even when I wasn’t. In hindsight, they were important either way.)

A few days before I left, I commented to a friend, “I feel like I’m prepared to die.”

“Shut up!” she said harshly. “Don’t talk like that.”

I laughed. “I don’t think I’m going to die, silly. I’m just telling you that if I did die, everything would be in order.” She didn’t find my comments funny.

But it’s true. I was confident we’d be okay on our trip. I live by the philosophy that life is rigged in my favor. My friends lovingly call me a unicorn, because I go through life carefree and wearing rose-colored glasses.

But even unicorns should have a plan.

When you get a wake-up call

I’ve been in South Korea for a week already. Today my husband called to tell me that a colleague of his suffered a heart attack yesterday and died. He was attending a court hearing via Zoom when the heart attack struck. He was a young man.

We were so sad to learn this tragic news.

“He was about my age,” my husband shared solemnly. “That could happen to any of us.”

Finding out a young person died suddenly is a wake-up call. It shines a light on the sobering reality that it could happen to anyone of us, at any age. Death doesn’t discriminate.

What do you do?

So, what do you do when you’re faced with yor mortality? You prepare. You get your house in order.

Here are some basic suggestions to get you started:

Get yourself an estate attorney and make sure you have a will and your estate plan is up-to-date. Do this every few years as your financial and life circumstances change.
Who handles the finances in your home? If it’s you, make sure you have a way for your spouse to access the information in case of an emergency. If it’s not you, then make sure whoever handles the finances gives you access to the information in case of an emergency. You need a list of passwords, bank accounts, assets, and important bills like your mortgage and any car payments. Also, add contact information of the key people who can help if something happens.
Designate a beneficiary on all of your accounts.
Buy a life insurance policy. I love Suze Orman’s advice on life insurances.
Tell your family and friends you love them. Do this often. Send a postcard to someone you haven’t spoken to in a long time, or to your parents or kids if they’re far away. Call the people you love. Send a nice text once in a while. You never know when will be the last time you hear from someone you care about.
Make amends. If you’ve hurt someone, apologize. If someone has hurt you, forgive.

And then…Live

I felt an incredible sense of peace by the time I boarded the plane to South Korea. Everything was in order. Everyone was taken care of. The only thing left to do was enjoy myself and savor the moments with my son.

No one wants to die, but we shouldn’t be afraid to talk about death or prepare for it. It’s not about us, anyway. It’s about protecting the people we leave behind when the inevitable happens. Don’t worry, you’re not jinxing it by being prepared! You’re just living mindfully and intentionally.

Once you’ve gone through this exercise you will feel accomplished and relieved. You’ve assumed responsibility for the things within your control, and you can focus on living in the present moment and enjoying your life to the max.

A Moment of Clarity

That’s the thing about preparing to die… it allows you to truly live.

November 6, 2020

Delayed Gratification · Inspiration

Delayed Doesn’t Mean Doomed

This morning I had committed to running a 5k with my running group and my son. I even persuaded my best friend, Frances (who doesn’t run with my running group), to join us.  We’d been looking forward to it all week. Last night, Orly and I went to bed earlier than usual, and I set the alarm.

“I’m so excited about tomorrow!” he whispered before I left his room. “Me too,” I smiled back.

My heart sank when my eyes glimpsed at the phone this morning and the time read: 6:24 AM.

Crap.

Panic set in. Anxiously I skimmed through my texts:

“Caro! Where are you?”
“Is she coming?”
“She’s not here yet!”

Then I saw the missed calls.

I’d slept right through all of it.

I was so disappointed in myself. I’d let my friends and my son down.  My first instinct was to wallow in my pity party. But then I saw my best friend’s selfie. Feeling uncomfortable running with strangers, Frances had skipped the run and gone back home. But instead of climbing back into bed — it was a dark, rainy, and perfect morning to do so — she ran the 5k alone around her neighborhood.

The smile on her sweaty face showed an incredible sense of accomplishment. Her picture inspired me.

What happened next brought several moments of clarity.

You are not defined by your mistakes, failures, or setbacks

I changed into my running gear and decided to run the 5k by myself. As I inhaled the crisp morning air, listened to the birds chirping, and moved my body, I began releasing the anger of having missed my event. I reminded myself that we don’t have to be defined by our mistakes, our failures, or our imperfections — it is part of our humanity. What defines us is what we do in the face of failure. Do we stay stuck there or do we move forward? Do we quit or do we get back up? So long as we’re alive, we can start over. Life is all about choices. The more I thought about this, the faster I ran. I could sense my energy and pace picking up, and I felt a wave of gratitude rushing over me.

A New Season

I had not enjoyed a run like this since I’d been sick with pneumonia. The recovery has been slow, even though I have continued to do the work necessary to heal. For months I’ve been putting pennies in the penny jar — eating well, going for a ralk (running and walking), and doing other strength-training exercises—but putting pennies in the penny jar doesn’t generate immediate rewards. All this time I’ve had difficulty breathing. I get tired easily. I stop often to catch my breath.

But not today. For once, I was breathing well; I felt strong. Today, I was closer to my pre-pneumonia self than I had been in the last nine months. I have entered a healthier and stronger season. The penny jar is getting full. Investing in ourselves can often seem slow and arduous, but it’s incredible how one day it all clicks and you realize your investment has paid off. Suddenly you’re in a new season. This is “delayed gratification” at its best. As I rounded the corner of the street, my app notified me I had reached 2.5 miles.

Less than a mile left and I’m done.

Feelings of accomplishment replaced my initial feelings of disappointment. I thought about the affirmation I’d sent my Caro’s CORE Challenge Crew earlier:

I’d shared with my members that looking at life like it is rigged in your favor is a choice you make even when things don’t work out as planned. It’s a perspective that there are always lessons, blessings, and meaning in what happens even when it’s inconvenient or painful. It’s a firm belief that things always work out. I have always subscribed to this mindset. It’s one of those parts of me that is so innate that I forget for some it is a learnable skill. On a day that things didn’t go my way, I guess that was the perfect affirmation to reflect on. I have no explanation for missing the alarm, the calls, and the texts this morning. Nor can I control that it happened. But I can choose to believe that missing that run was in my favor. Maybe I avoided a car accident on the drive to the run. Maybe my body needed the rest. Maybe my son shouldn’t have been running this morning. Maybe none of the above is true. No one knows why things happen sometimes. But the only thing we can control is our reactions and our decisions in response to the events that happen.

Your Community Matters

I almost sat this run out. Had it not been for Frances’ selfie, I would have planned to ralked in the evening like I normally do or done some other exercise. I would have missed out on the feeling of accomplishment that I had set myself up for the entire week. But that is why community is so important. I borrowed the energy from her accomplishment to motivate me to run. Sometimes we are the ones who need to give the energy, and sometimes we are the ones who need to receive it.

Delayed Not Doomed

I may have woken up late. I may have missed running with my buddies. But that just meant I was delayed. It didn’t mean I was doomed. This applies to everything in life. We often feel like we’re too late to the party whether it’s in business or in life. We feel like everyone around is ahead of us. They have more money, more success, or more accomplishments. We question why it’s taking so long for us to do the things we want to do. Sometimes we catch momentum, only to face a setback. It’s easy to get discouraged by this and stop trying. It’s easy to throw our hands up in the air and feel like we don’t deserve these things; We’re just not good enough; We are doomed. But that, my friends, is not the truth — it is just a paradigm.

A Moment of Clarity

I hope no matter what goal you’re working on right now — no matter what you’re going through — you approach life like it is rigged in your favor. You decide that you will not be defined by your past, by your mistakes or your failures; you continue to put pennies in the penny jar. Because you get to choose how you write the rest of this story.

September 10, 2020

Delayed Gratification · Mindset · Success Skills

My interview on Ty Bennett’s Podcast

I’m sure you’ve heard people say, “If you need anything, just ask.” Asking for what you need or want sounds simple. And yet so many of us shy away from asking for things for fear of feeling rejected, turned down, or ignored. Many of us don’t ask because we don’t want to impose on others or inconvenience them. We make assumptions of what someone else’s response will be to our requests instead of giving that person the opportunity to decide for themselves.

I’ve negotiated against myself many times. By being embarrassed, intimidated, or overly considerate, I’ve missed opportunities. Like Nora Roberts says, “If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.”

What’s fascinating is that when I muster the courage to put myself out there, getting a yes is often easier than I expected it to be, and getting a no isn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It’s so true that we suffer more in imagination than in reality!

Afraid to ask

In looking for good podcasts to share my newly launched book, I came across Ty Bennett’s podcast. I love his work and admire many of the guests he’s interviewed in the past. Even though I know Ty, it took me months to ask him to be on his podcast. I hesitated and procrastinated because I wasn’t sure how to approach him.

I finally realized what I was doing. If I didn’t reach out to Ty, I was guaranteeing that I’d never have an interview with him. I took action and sent Ty a message. Guess what? He said, “Yes!”

Ask and you shall receive

Today I get to share with you an awesome interview Ty and I did together.

Not only is this episode full of life lessons, but it is super relevant and timely during this pandemic. We cover everything from defining success, to parenting, to living a meaningful life. We even talk about not eating the marshmallow!

To think this interview could help so many people, and yet wouldn’t exist had I not been willing to ask for it.

I’m so proud I get to share this podcast episode with you, and the backstory of how I got here. Because I know I’m not the only one who is afraid of asking for what I want. I’m not the only one who has negotiated against herself.

Remember that the most successful people are the ones who put themselves out there even when they’re afraid to do it.

Stop procrastinating, hesitating, and wasting opportunities for fear of rejection. Just remember, if they say no, you’re in no different a position than you are now. If they say yes, the results will help you and others along the way!

A Moment of Clarity

Ask for what you want!

Failing to do so deprives not only you but others too.

May 21, 2020

Delayed Gratification · Mindset

The E in CORE: Emotional Intelligence

Over the last several weeks, I’ve shared with you a brief introduction to each principle of my C.O.R.E. formula for success. The last letter in my acronym is E, which stands for emotional intelligence (EQ). This principle is near to my heart because it is one that my father instilled in me since I was very young. He used to say that EQ was even more important than IQ and he’d often remind me I had very high emotional intelligence. Funny, he never seemed to comment on my IQ. ??

Regardless, emotional intelligence is a skill I’ve been studying for a long time. The story I’m sharing today is a powerful example of the importance of delaying gratification (a major component in improving our EQ).

It was a Wednesday around noon. My boys ate their lunch outdoors by their play-yard. I sat under the shade of our mango tree to keep them company. Orlando was in the middle of his workout and joined us to do pullups on the monkey bars. The weather was perfectly warm and sunny with a hint of breeze. It was a perfect but surreal moment. Surreal because it was noon on a Wednesday and our entire family was home due to a global pandemic. But also uncanny was that my husband, who had been overweight and sedentary for most of our marriage, was knocking out pull-ups like a boss.

My little one stepped up on one stair of the play yard and looked up. “Dad, you look like that fighter!”

A year and two months prior, we had stopped for a quick bite to eat at a sports bar before catching the Broadway play, Dear Evan Hansen, to celebrate Orlando’s birthday. There was an MMA fight being aired on the gigantic screen in front of us. “You see that guy.” Orlando pointed to one fighter and said, “One day I will look like that.”

We all chuckled. None of us took him seriously, except for Justin. “You’ll see,” he glanced at the TV screen and then at me, “I’m going to surprise you.”

Orlando struggled to get that last pull up in, and then his feet dropped to the floor. As he caught his breath, he smiled and patted the top of his son’s head. “Thanks, buddy.”

“See, mom” Justin smiled proudly, “I told you he could do it.”

“You really did it, Orlando.” I stared at him in awe as he recovered his breath. “I can’t believe how you’ve transformed your body.”

Orlando looked over at his boys. “This is an important lesson for you three. There are a lot of things in life you can pay for, but there are things you can’t buy or pay someone else to do for you.”

He continued, “I can’t buy your love. I can’t buy my health. I can’t pay someone to be a great father to my kids. I can’t pay someone to exercise or eat healthy for me. You could have all the money in the world, but the only way to earn a healthy life is to put in the time and work yourself.”

I often wonder who the real motivational speaker in our family is!

The things you can’t pay for

But Orlando was right. His bold statement that he’d get fit like the MMA fighter would have been nothing more than empty words if he wasn’t willing to do the work. He had to be the one to eat (or not eat) certain foods. He had to be the one to go to the gym. Moreover, he couldn’t just do it once or twice and get results. It took him months to get fit. It’ll take him a lifetime to stay fit.

In that split second, I looked around and realized that very perfect and surreal moment resulted from all the choices we’d been making for the last 15 years: The choice to stick together, the choice not to live beyond our means, the choice to be present in the lives of our children, the choice to eat well and exercise. A good life has a price — but you’re the only one who can pay it. You can’t pay anyone else to do it for you.

And that, my friends, is why emotional intelligence is the key to success. We need the self-awareness to define what success means to us, the empathy to understand what the most important people in our lives need from us, the motivation to want to be better, and the self-regulation to do the work.

Delaying Gratification

Delaying gratification (a.k.a self-regulation) is doing the work today that only you can do to be a better you tomorrow.

And yet we often fail to do the things that we can’t pay anyone else to do (the important stuff) because we’re doing the things that we could pay someone else to do. This is usually the case when we utter the famous line: “I don’t have time.”

So I ask you today, do you want to enjoy meaningful relationships? Do you want to be healthy and fit? Do you want to learn a new skill or build a new business?

Identify the things that only you could do to achieve the results you want… and then do those things. It might be hard, but it’s worth it.

A Moment of Clarity

If you want to achieve a goal, focus on doing the things that only you can do to accomplish those goals. Minimize, delegate, or avoid everything else. Before you know it, you’ll be reaping the benefits of the life you dreamed of.

May 11, 2020

Delayed Gratification · Inspiration · Parents & Families · Relationships · Success Skills

There Are No Wasted Auditions … Part 3

“Successful people are willing to do things that unsuccessful people are not willing to do.” Joachim de Posada

Are You Devoted?

We’d gotten what we wanted. Orlando had promised Orly that Pippin’s director would recommend him for a role one day, and the day had come. Orly had learned that when you show up prepared and focused, there are no wasted auditions. I felt like he was being rewarded … not only for a strong audition … but for the grace and good will he’d shown when his younger brother got the role instead.

But now we had a new conflict. The developmental workshop rehearsals were scheduled from Saturday to Wednesday with the final reading on Thursday. We’d booked our pre-planned trip to New York City on that Wednesday.

Ideally, we’d reschedule the trip for another time so Orly could participate in the reading, but it wasn’t that easy.

The flights and tickets to the event we were attending were non-refundable. The hotel would cancel our reservation but charge a one-night penalty. And then the real deal breaker … Hamilton. The tickets had cost us a fortune and were also non-refundable. I thought of reselling them, but we learned a very expensive lesson when it comes to purchasing theatre tickets.

At the time of purchase, we selected the Will-Call option, which means they’d be at the box office of the theater. But guess what? We had to show our driver’s license to pick up the tickets. They will only release them to the purchaser. Buyer Beware! If you are purchasing tickets in a different state, choose the option to print your tickets at home or have them mailed to you. You need to be in physical possession of them in order to sell or transfer them. This tip will save you big time if you ever have to change your plans like we did. We stood to lose thousands of dollars if we cancelled the trip.

“Why don’t you email the director? Maybe the workshop dates can be moved around by a few days,” I suggested to Orlando.

“Are you crazy?” He shook his head no. “They’re not going to change the dates of the workshop for us!”

“We don’t lose anything by asking,” I insisted.

“This is pointless, but fine,” Orlando appeased me.

A few days later, the director responded that the dates were set in stone because they were flying in the director and composer from New York City. How ironic.

We told the kids about the trip and the conflict. You can imagine their disappointment.

“Do I have to do the workshop?” Orly asked.

“It depends on how committed you are to your acting,” I replied.

“But I don’t even know what a reading is. What if we give up going to New York and the reading isn’t any fun? What if I don’t like it?”

This was a tough decision for a kid. Heck, it was a tough decision for us. But life is about choices. The right answer doesn’t come in a gift box with a bow wrapped around it.

“I’m sure you prefer to go to New York than do the workshop. That sounds like a lot more fun than the reading. But opportunities like this don’t come around often and you never know if you’ll have another chance like it. You’re going to be working with a director from Broadway and an up and coming composer from NYC! You don’t know what this workshop can mean for you in the future. Maybe nothing at all. But what if it’s the beginning of other possibilities? That’s the thing, you just never know. This is a defining moment in your life. What are you willing to sacrifice for your dreams?”

Orly looked down at the floor, “Okay, I’ll stay for the workshop.”

I thought about my dad and how proud he’d be if he were alive to witness this moment. He wrote a book called, “Don’t Eat The Marshmallow…Yet!” It explains that the secret to success is the ability to delay gratification, meaning that you are willing to resist the temptation for an immediate reward to wait for a later reward. Orly didn’t eat the marshmallow. I knew right then that no matter what he does in the future, he will be successful.

The decision was made. We emailed the director and confirmed that Orly would participate in the workshop.

After much consideration, we tried to minimize our losses and salvage our trip. I’d fly to New York with the boys on Wednesday morning as planned. Orlando would stay behind with Orly and meet us in New York. They could jump on the 5am flight on Friday morning and still make it to our scheduled event and Hamilton. It seemed like a good plan … until we arrived at Orly’s first rehearsal.

We dropped off the younger boys at their friend’s house so we could stay with Orly. We were all a little nervous. We arrived early and peeked through the glass window of the classroom. Students stood in rows with music stands in front of them, facing a man playing the piano. They all sang in unison. It felt grand.

The director spotted us and opened the door.

“Listen up everyone. I want you to say hi to Orly. He’ll be playing the role of Kurt.”

“Hi Orly!” The students greeted him cheerfully.

“Welcome,” the pianist, Mark Sonnenblick, waved us in.

We walked in quietly and grabbed some seats in the back. The UM director walked over with a young woman, while the students resumed their rehearsal. “Orly, this is Maggie,” he whispered. “She’s directing this musical.”

“Hi Maggie,” Orly said. Maggie was friendly. She handed him some music sheets and talked to him for a little bit. The UM director kneeled in front of us to tell us what was going on. “Turns out Act one, which is the Act we’re working on during this workshop, revolves mainly around Kurt,” he said with a smile. “Your son is going to have three major solos.” Orly’s mouth dropped. My heart stopped.

Orlando saw my face and knew what I was thinking. He put his arm around me and whispered, “There’s no point in you being in another city when your heart will be here. Don’t worry about the money.”

I almost cried. There was no way I could get on a plane to New York and miss seeing my son perform three solos. That night I cancelled our three remaining reservations and booked us on the Friday morning flight with Orlando and Orly. It was the best decision I could’ve made.

The next five days were a whirlwind. Orly worked harder than he’s ever worked in his life. Mark, Maggie, and the students were incredibly kind and patient with him. They spent hours upon hours rehearsing. During Orly’s free time, he worked with his vocal teacher.

Because this was a workshop, the script changed constantly and Orly had to adapt to new lines and new scenes. He was resilient and rolled with the punches.

By the night of the reading, Orly wasn’t the same kid that walked into rehearsal the first day. He’d poured his heart and soul into this performance, and had grown as a singer and actor. He’d bonded with the students, the director, and the composer. And he was a part of something that was beautiful. Mark’s work is magnificent. His musical belongs on Broadway. The day it gets there, Orly will have been a part of its inception.

There was a dramatic scene toward the end of the play when Orly stood singing his solo in front of the audience and the rest of the Cast rose from their seats to join him in song. Goosebumps filled my arms and tears streamed down my face from how lucky I felt to be in that room, witnessing that moment. This experience was more special than any of us could’ve ever imagined.

A Moment of Clarity

We learned some pretty expensive lessons from this experience like to always buy refundable airfare and the tip about ticket delivery. But we also learned that experiences are worth more than money; that opportunities must be seized when they appear; and that you are rewarded when you delay gratification.

The next morning at the crack of dawn we boarded the flight to New York City. Orly buckled in and leaned over to look at us, “Thanks for pushing me to do the workshop. I wouldn’t have traded one minute of it for New York.”

I laughed, “Well, you’re a pretty lucky kid considering you’re getting to do both!”

He leaned back on his chair and with a big smile on his face said, “Yep. We need to get to know that place, since I’m going to live there when I grow up!”

October 7, 2018

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